already home

walking home from the west end train station – i’m smiling so big people are stopping and staring.. and i’m feeling like a tourist – but instead of standing around gaping at big, tall buildings, my head’s thrown back and i’m trying to take a big tree into full view -big, tall, beautiful tree- right at the edge of the MLK park where men and children are playing tennis and baseball- around the corner from the library where, across the street, men are playing basketball.. and i think, i haven’t seen anyone playing ball on a court since i was a little girl living in rochester… all these beautiful brown people – are the most beautiful thing i’ve seen, period.

inside a store hidden behind stacks of dusty books going for $1, $3, and $5 a piece, i’m swallowed up by beautiful men, jewelry, bicycles, more books, collages, CD’s and postcards.. ~my favorite things…and i’m in heaven.. and i’m so deep in it I’m not hearing the owner telling me repeatedly that the store is now closed and that i must go…i’m in a daze…but i make it out before the storeowner loses it…

across the street is a vegan soul restaurant that has stood its ground for decades.. and as i am crossing over i see the owner of supreme living spa’s daughter.. we know one another – i address her by name.. she’s beautiful.. and i keep moving.. by now, my arms are full of art, books, and a medium-sized collage of jimi hendrix… and i’m walking along for the first time in my new neighborhood thinking of my new life and my new approach and my new personality – i’m over being free and lose… i want to be weird, internal, withdrawn and mysterious… i want to pick my friends and my lover(s) deliberately and with great patience… i am making my way home intuitively and with the help of whoever comes across my path… and i’m almost there when i look up on a porch.. to where two sisters and a brother are seated – one on the floor sitting indian style.. she calls out to me: YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL! I could see your smile a mile away…

of course this makes me smile bigger.. and i call out to her, “you’re beautiful too, really!” …then I pass three small girls with an afro, a mohawk, and twists… “hey beautiful, i love your hair..,” i say..and..

 

i am home.

 

remember who you are.

Everything is fine because everything can change. Until the Universe decides to freeze everything in place there’s still hope…and even if everything was stuck the way it is now… The copers would still cope, the critics would still criticize, the believers would still hope, and the optimists would still see the beauty and love in it all.

It’s all on me… whether I seek out and EMBODY principles for abundant living, whether I ACTivate my inner reservoirs of JOY, POWER and PLEASURE…whether I summon angelic support and love my life-companions …or not.. It is up to me. So much to be grateful for and happy about.

binging: the externalization of self-sabotaging self-hatred or TRUTHS THAT HURT pt1

the purpose of this post is to be transparent about my life ~ the whole thing… many have things that they advocate publicly and then many other things (contradictory things) which they practice privately to save face, to guard their hearts.. and to give some false impression of themselves… I fast and juice and health is important to me.. health is even more important because of the sicknesses (mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical) that I am growing through… I’d like to share every bit of me… so, that others are empowered to give ALL of who they are despite weak ass, whack ass, judgmental ass muthafuckers. *smile*

also, writing makes me feel like myself. it makes me feel alive.

the title- redundant, I know. I mean, when you hate yourself you will sabotage yourself because you will be working from a place of believing you deserve to fail for whatever reason. for me, the reason I felt I deserved to be punished was my husband’s judgment of me ~had nothing to do with the fasting and juicing and desperate attempts to align with my natural state of health. his judgment had everything to do with my character (or lack thereof) and (adopted) behavior ~I felt terrible, unworthy, defeated, ‘caught out there’ again! And I wasn’t hating my husband so much as I was hating myself (I’m not hating him as much as I hate myself)…

so, a little backstory: I’d had an interview and I wanted my husband to help me prepare but he was exhausted from 18 hours of work but I still wanted his help ~I knew that with a bit of help I could have everything done in no time. I’d waited all day for him to return with a cashed check so that I could buy a new suit ~when I finally made it to the store confusion ensued. I couldn’t find a new suit in my new size and no one was around to help me… I would have gladly called a best friend but my husband had been using my cell phone because his was off… I felt like nothing was working ~and it wasn’t. (law of attraction ain’t no joke).

I went home~ I was wrathful, loud-yelling, waking this tired man up out his sleep instead of turning to myself for the help I needed~ and I’m always saying how self-reliant I want to be… well, I’ve created a relationship with a man who is unable to be available to me due to excruciatingly long work hours and constant weariness.. I’ve created a situation in which I am relying upon someone else for transportation, food, money, clothes.. and I was disgusted and hurt (still am~which is why it’s coming through in my language)… and to hear my beautiful and gentle husband tell me that I had two months to move out of ‘his’ house because he cannot allow certain behaviors around ‘his’ family and he will not tolerate certain people in ‘his’ life…hm.

more backstory: the last time i went on a binge it was my mother calling to disown me because I had not made it a priority to tell her I’d married (wasn’t in the mood for unsolicited advice and judgments)…she told me that out of all the men, the abandonment and abuse from her past I was the one to cause her to most pain…in life.

what a thing to say to a person. this is what happens when we insist upon playing the victim. now, my response to my mother and my husband reveal the type of mind I’ve cultivated and the type of person I am right now… I rely on them for love, security, validation, and happiness.. so, when they tell me I’m wrong~not only do I believe them completely..I punish myself thoroughly… when my mother disowned me… I pretended that I didn’t care and then I cried for days and ate without stopping until I was in severe physical pain… trying to bury my dis-eased heart under any edible thing I could get my teeth into… and when my husband clarified for me that we do not share a life but rather I am just a part of his life… I couldn’t pretend… I cried all night and all day and started eating slowly, picked up the pace and just kept going and going and going until now my hands and face are swollen… so, swollen that even my 8 year old stepson noticed… when he saw me his mouth dropped open… after 4.5 days of binging and coming off of a juicing diet in a way that could potentially send my system into shock… I’ve had to drink water, fast, and take herbs just for mild relief.

binging~ is a victim’s response.. being sick for me is not only a way of punishing myself but of seeking the pity and care of other people~ especially the people who are closest and dearest to me… but it never has the desired effect …because no one’s laying around here nursing me but myself.. and no one’s over here feeling the pain and anticipating more pain.. but me. alone, like before.

and sicker than ever.

the only way to heal is to heal myself.. to heal my mind and my heart.. to forgive people for their shotgun judgments of me and their lack of consideration for what their cutthroat words could do to me.. and here’s the absolutely vital part ~forgiveness of myself for positioning these people as authorities in my life when it was never their responsibility or position to fill.

the beautiful life

meghan currie loves life more than raspberries.

dr. angelou says if i love life it will love me back.

david wolfe owns the same radio he’s had since 1986; he considers himself rich.

my life isn’t glamorous but it is beautiful. i am not swimming in possessions anymore but i am more able (abler?) to enjoy the things I do own for however long I own them – things like a white seven-day candle, nag champa incense, garden-picked flowers from my husband, collages, the paintings friends have given me as gifts, a jumprope, free online radio stations, a hot shower, clean fluffy towels, shea butter, a new purse, an altar, wooden bowls and chopsticks, a yoga magazine, a yoga mat- even a worn one, a smooth-writing pen… a composition notebook..warm socks – and I part easily with things these days ~ even when I don’t particularly want to release things I am willing and able to do so and I always feel better because of it…

when i am clear and not under the influence of my own dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment I am able to clearly see the beautiful newness of the life in my small home full of beautiful family~constant laughter, cuddling, sharing meals and stories and jokes and clothes and secrets and plans and work and space… I am able to appreciate the fact that I enjoy constant conversation with my big sister where we are endlessly updating each other about our lives… and enjoy frequent phone calls with my best friends.. and I am able to inspire many others to explore their personal magic and improve their health…

my days belong to me~I do not have to do anything I do not want to.. I can make plans for myself and work on any project I deem worthy of my energy, time, and focus..I am free to grow my mind and my life in any direction I choose~I am young and healthy (whether my Body has gotten the memo or not).. and I love myself (even when others refuse to accept all of me)…

I have three beautiful stepchildren.

A beautiful and gentle husband.

who cooks amazing meals on our hotplate. (that’s split pea soup)

and juices delicious juices for the family with our beautiful daughter.

and when i wallow in self-defeating deprecating thoughts I miss all the new splendor.. the flowers growing, the birds singing, the swirling smoke from the incense my eldest daughter has lit all throughout the house, the smell of fresh laundry, my view of the Sun and the peaceful quiet of our home in the early morning… but when I am centered within myself – I know, these are the things I live for and no my life is not glamorous but it is BEAUTIFUL…

all of a sudden i’m lusting after fashion.

From India With Love

written by -India Olowokande-Ame’ye-

http://aphotoandapaintingaday.wordpress.com

There’s a few things i’ve learned in my (almost) 36 years on this glorious planet that has made my living so much more pleasurable!!! (an aside: i love getting “older”).

1. There are ALWAYS two sides to every story, and it’s best to hold neutral space (at least) until you’ve heard both sides.

2. Outsourcing one’s pain/emotional stuff onto others only creates more stress and illness within one’s body. Face the pain; feel the pain, let the pain out and find ways to return those intense emotions back to love.

3. i am responsible for everything that happens in my life. no one is doing anything to me; no one desires to “hurt” or “harm” me.

4. The body has the capacity to heal itself. I have healed myself of fibroids, heavy moon cycles, cramps, breast cancer, colds, body acne, and who knows what else was festering in my body…mainly by changing the way I processed life and learning to embody love with every beat of my heart.

5. What we believe is only real and “true” for ourselves, and doesn’t apply to anyone else.

6. Healthy foods are not always vegan or vegetarian. Every body is a template of its own, and there are no standards. Knowing your body and observing how it processes food is key.

7. The body NEEDS movement like it needs water, inside and out.

8. Nature is a free source of healing and light for the body.

9. Full body orgasms are some type of possession or “holy ghost”. There so much I could say about that but I’ll just say that what most term as the “holy ghost” is kundalini energy rising from the earth. there’s much to be said about the father/son/holy ghost trinity that while intentionally excludes the “mother” still includes HER in every way. there’s much to be said about women tapping into our sensuality and pleasure since sex/intimacy is one of the powerful ways to access divinity and healing powers within ourselves and within our lovers.

10. Love doesn’t have conditions nor expectations. ♥

-India Olowokande-Ame’ye-

p.s.

LOVE!!! ♥! “What we believe is only real and “true” for ourselves, and doesn’t apply to anyone else.” i meant to add to that, “including this status post.” that’s the beauty of life. we can choose our brand of love, our brand of processing and relating, and our brand of healing…it’s a part of our freewill… all choices have consequences, neither choice being “right” or “wrong” unless one chooses to believe it to be so. if i can add anything else that has helped add more pleasure into my life is being Open to people, however they ARE and and not trying to change anyone/not falling into i’m “spiritual” and you’re not–ahhh, those labels, spiritual people do xyz… allow folks to be whatever they need to be, and still love them, knowing that everyone is just trying to love better, be better, and I don’t have all the answers nor do i have it all together. BUT I LOVE, oh do I… that’s my freedom, mate!!! xo

the Queen has spoken.

 

“Time is flowing within your ‘life.’ You have been ill for many months and because you have neglected to do those things which would cause you to be well you have progressed in dis-ease rather than in comfort, ease, and health. You cannot continue to go down that road because it only gets worse from here. It is best, however, to follow the guidance and clues I have given so that your healing may be exacted. Fasting, juicing, watering, exercising and most importantly meditating on Us… this will attract healing and health rapidly. The process doesn’t need much time What it does require is commitment and patience, unshakable faith in Me – the Provider, the Great Comforter. You must choose Me over ignorance and habits. You must receive your blessings through right action and remain connected to me through right thinking. You must trust in Me and remove your attention from false ideas which help no one and nothing. You must hear knowledge and become wise – become transformed. You shall be transformed. Seek after Me. Remain in the space of utter trust in Me and be calm. Continue – you are already on day 2 of your 14 day fast and you have all the support of the universe. It is not up to you to heal yourself. I am the only one who heals. It is up to you to get out of My way.

You must cease contributing to the problem, and seek comfort in Me rather than various externals.”

 

-Spirit